The annual Family P camping jaunt is over for another year. And actually, it looks like it could be over in a permanent way for me. Having grumbled and sulked fairly unremittingly through my three day maximum and announced that next year I may only be able to stomach two, Mr P’s rather curt suggestion was that I make it zero and stay at home altogether from now on. Humph.
But seriously, what is it with camping? I can see why kids like it because for them there is always going to be novelty value in sleeping in a bag and eating off a plastic plate, but what in God’s name has it got to offer grown-ups? What are they on, those countless happy campers I see pootling to the toilet block in their Crocs as though there was absolutely nothing to be feared in trying to pass a number two within earshot of a dozen other people, or trying to wash off the previous day’s filth under 15-second bursts of insufficient lukewarm drizzle?
You’re gonna tell me it’s all about the fresh air on your face, aren’t you? That it’s the back-to-nature-ness and spirit of adventure that thrills? Yeah, well as far as I’m concerned, you can pop all those things in your Porta Potti and flush it. Fair enough if you’re looking for a masochistic spin to your summer break, but me, I like to kick back and relax when I’m on holiday, not put myself through a series of unpleasant physical and mental challenges. And actually I suspect that camping isn’t really enjoyed by anyone – it is merely a way for the middle classes to feel less guilty about their comfortable lives by roughing it for a short period every year. Just a theory.
Anyway, here you go then: ten things I hate about camping. Go on – shoot me down in flames, outdoorsy types. I don’t care. I’m booking into a B&B next year.
- Having to erect your own accommodation: Ensuring that you’re sweating, swearing, exhausted, and have generally lost the will to live before the holiday has even started! Bonkers.
- Exposure to inclement weather: It’s not until you’re staying outdoors that you realise quite how unbelievably fecking cold and wet this country is. Even in August. Unfortunately, having an okay time whilst camping is entirely reliant on having okay weather. There is no reliable plan B when it rains, other than huddling together in the tent with a pack of cards and a large bar of Dairy Milk, or sitting in the nearest pub. And on the same subject: being so cold that you’re unable to feel the tip of your own nose when you wake in the morning is not a plus, to my mind.
- Sleeping on an inflatable/sleeping in a sleeping bag: I appreciate this is old-fashioned of me, but I tend to place comfort fairly high on my lists requirements vis-a-vis holiday accommodation and in particular, sleeping arrangements. Trying to pass the night on a steadily deflating plastic mattress whilst encased in a tight nylon sausage skin does not cut it.
- Night-time bladder issues: Seriously, what are you going to do when you’re camping and you wake up needing a wee at night (which I customarily do – at least twice): wake the whole family in the noisy process of unzipping the tent, and venture across the potentially perilous (see number 8), cold, dark, silent site to the toilets proper? Or just take a piss right there in a plastic washing up bowl? Happy choice, no? I plump for the latter – it makes the tent smell bad but at least my feet don’t get exposed to the night air for longer than 60 seconds.
- Communal crapping: Can’t do it. Just can’t. Have to hold it in. Further discomfort.
- Rubbish showers: Would it hurt for campsites to install decent showers? Particularly given that camping makes you muddier, sweatier, and smellier than ordinary, civilised living.
- Warm milk; rank butter; leaking hummus: the joys of catering from a cold bag.
- Fear: Does anyone else find night-time in a tent on a rural campsite ABSOLUTELY terrifying? The pitch black, the utter quiet, the spooky wild animal squawks, the claustrophobia, the sheer bleddy Blair Witchy-ness of it all? And not even the possibility of a cuddle to make it better, since a) I can’t get my arms out of my sleeping bag and b) Mr P has in any case decamped from the marital pod to the tent’s central area due to being six foot two and needing to stretch his feet out.
- Living in chaos: How I love to live out of a car boot! NOT. Tents fall short of my ideal accommodation in many ways but not least because there is simply nowhere to put anything, other than in a general mish-mashy heap in the middle bit. For someone who likes a certain amount of order in life, this is hard to cope with.
- Having to leave all my good stuff at home: I appreciate that one’s family and a pack of cards should be all one needs to achieve perfect happiness on holiday. But by heck, I miss my computer, my telly, my iPod and my guitar when I’m camping. (Did I also mention that I miss my toilet?)
This post made me laugh so much and sums up many of the reasons why I seriously (and honestly) adore camping. I’ve just got back from 2 weeks in Scotland, half of the time we stayed at campsites and had the luxury of showers and toilets and the other half we did wild camping and I used a shewee and buried my poo! While I get it’s not everyone’s idea of fun I do love it, I love being dirty and smelly while away and just being outdoors from morning ’til night. We went with our 2 smallest children (aged 1 & 2) and it was harder work with them (and extra tiring as I’m in the early stages of pregnancy) it was still a wonderful trip.
Oh wow, hats off to you my lady – that is SERIOUS camping. Have you blogged about it? Please send link if so otherwise I hope you will as that I MUST read! Hollie x
I couldn’t agree more. With all of it!
Having slept in a tent in gale force winds only a year ago, I had to move to the car when the tent caved in on top of us at 2am. This was after having to walk thru torrential rain in my pjs to go to toilet and quite frankly getting back in the tent without getting my bed wet and muddy seemed impossible (4 man tent my ass!)
There was also the time a few years back when hubby and I were camping in newquay and I moved to the car at 3am after feeling rodents running around underneath my airbed and a stray cat pawing the outside of the tent in attempt to get to said rodents… Simply terrifying in the dark!
Ha ha ha! You sound like you’ve had even worse experiences than me Emma. We should start a camping survivors support group….
Haha! My top tip to enjoying camping, is to have a camping holiday as an extra and not as a main holiday! That way we get our 2 weeks in the sun (abroad) plus we get a few long weekends away per year which helps pass the time until our next sunny holiday;-)
As for the peeing in the night question…take a bucket to keep in the tent, saves the night time trips to the toilets and saves on using the washing up bowl!
Blimey Lisa, I should just point out that I use A washing up bowl to wee in, not THE washing up bowl. That would be most unhygienic!!
Ha ha this did make me laugh! How do you know that those other happy campers who are pootling off to the toilets in their crocs (hideous invention btw!) are not also just suffering in silence?! I suffer it once a year for a max of 3 nights, for the sake of the kids…..eventually they will grow out of it, probably only got another 3 years!
Hmm, good thought Suzanne – every other adult on the site is also having a miserable time! That makes me feel so much better…
Ha ha Hear hear! It’s my idea of hell & definitely not a holiday. As we don’t drive it’s a great excuse not to have to do camping but the kids were so desperate to give it a go we bought a cheap tent & they occasionally put it up in the garden or at my Mum’s & they sleep out there with daddy. And I go to bed in comfort with my toilet a few carpeted steps away
Yes…the more I think about it, the more the option of just letting the kids fulfill their camping needs in the back garden seems to make sense!
Well, I’m glad you made that clear Hollie…I was a tad worried about your standards of hygiene!!!
First never cater. Always go to the pub! This takes care of problem number 5 too. Second you need earplugs! Also try Eweleaze for fab showers and organic cider. If you don’t like that then totally give up
Ha, useful tips, for which I thank you Actually (belatedly!) x
Oh Hollie. Hollie, Hollie, Hollie…..
You have just performed a very public execution on my favourite place in the World. I am happy you didn’t name the village as I would have to drive down to have a serious talk with you
All together now…
WE LOVE CAMPING, WE LOVE CAMPING…..
Ax
Ah, Mr D, no disrespect intended to the location which I agree is in a very beautiful part of the world! What I didn’t mention in the post – (because it would have diluted the rant) – was that there were some very nice moments during the trip, including an early evening walk along the gorgeous river bank during which I spotted two Kingfishers! And the local is definitely a TOP pub…;) x
You have pretty much crystalized my own views on this ghastly, miserable, uncivilised practice. Some people like to get back to nature. I like to get back to the hotel.
Ah, thank you for the backing dear Bruv – we sprung after all from the same loins so this is possibly a genetic thing. Or maybe it’s just what most people feel! x
Glamping. In the sunshine. In Cornwall. Seriously – you should try it. It would win you over straight away. Apart from the communal toilet thing. Possibly.
Yes I must say Molly, when I saw the pics of your glamping holiday I did think it looked lovely. I could yet be persuaded back….! Thanks for the comment. x
Lol! This post sums up all the reasons I’ve not camped since I was 14 after an awful school trip in torrential rain and gale force winds. I need a toilet, hot showers and electricity for my hairdryer! Katie will be joining Brownies and having all those experiences with them!
Ha! Another supporter for the cause! Yes, sending them off to Brownie camp definitely seems like a good way to satisfy their camping needs without having to go through it yourself…! Thanks for commenting… x